Today was supposed to be another day of sharing my last trip with you, however, the last 24 hours taught me there are things far more important to share. This post will be long, and I apologize for that. But I hope you will stay with me until the end and live this one day in my life. For it was a day of truths, of awakens, of admittance, of love, of joy, of fun, of sadness, of giving, of sharing, and of grief. Today I felt a need to discuss it further.
It begins like this. Yesterday on my way to a benefit for a friend who had recently lost her husband, I stopped to pick up a few items for the auction and bake sale. While finishing up with her last customer, the cashier says “hello” to me. We proceed into a small conversation in which she says “all I know is I am waiting for you to give me a piece of that cheesecake”. Although a big part of me wants to open it up and give her a piece, I decide to explain why I am purchasing the items. She expresses sympathy and then, my first light bulb moment, I say “a truth I do not want to admit, but that is what we live for isn’t it?”. She says “to die? I guess you are right, cannot deny it”. Even her last customer, as she is walking away, who I am sure was uncomfortable saying it, agreed.
Then, my second light-bulb moment, as the cashier and I continue with a brief conversation. I say “because of this awareness, I want to, and am trying to live a complete, joyful, and happy life. A life, true to myself, sharing moments like this. Admitting truths and getting to know a little more about a stranger”. She says “too bad it does not always work out that way”. As I leave, I say “you are right, but at least we can try”. I told her, I once did her job and by experience know it is not easy, as there may be moments of great joy and laughter, there are also moments of being the recipient of someones bad day, their anger, frustration, or just pure evil. So I wished her luck, kindness, happiness, and all else and continued on my way.
Now at the benefit, sharing brief moments of conversation with different people, word comes to me of another friends loss. Her daughter, only recently turned 21, whom I also was getting to know both in person and on social media, was killed in a tragic accident in the early morning hours of this day. A brief conversation starts between a few of us, about the hows, when’s, and whys of someone’s death. Something none of us will ever understand. And here comes the third light bulb. Maybe it is not for us to ever understand. But instead, for all of us with passage of time, to find our will. Free will to decide whether we will stay in our grief and anger forever or whether we will allow others to share this pain with us, to help us take baby steps out of the chasm we find ourselves in. No one will ever fill voids that cut us to the core, but the love and support of others can sure bridge some gaps, if we allow this to happen.
Soon I got dragged into moments of darkness, remembering lives lost in my life. I knew I could not stay there long, that I must return to the light and become a beacon because my friends needed me to be. So, as my thoughts bounced between life and death, a fourth light bulb came on. A remembrance of a friend, also taken away too young, spoken of in a prior post, and something she said that took me until today to figure out. She told me people were ugly to me because I possessed something that many had given away a long time ago. Whatever this was, she said, they could never get it back. She begged me to never let them take it from me. All these years, in the moments she would appear in my memory, I never understood what she meant. It came up in conversation yesterday.
You see, what I had not given away was my child-like qualities; my faith in my creator and others, my pure and loving heart that many times had been broken, but found a way to heal, my innocence to evils that some had protected me from, and my ability to speak the truth no matter how painful to myself or others. Some or all of these are lost when we experience a death that we feel to our core. Some are even lost in our quest for success, money, and material things when we make choices from our evil sides. The longer we stay in these dark places, the more away from these qualities we move and the more damage we cause to ourselves and others.
In that light and truth, for those of you past, present, and future that are street smart, that teach me lessons, and protect me at the same time so that I can retain these qualities, please know that even though it seems like I may not be learning my lessons, I am. I just am praying that I will never have to use them, but I will be prepared for the day that I will. I know why you are here and cannot love you anymore for it. You may never know how truly grateful I am. To everyone else, forget about needing to hit a reset button with Russia, I think we need to hit a reset button for ourselves. A reset back to the qualities of our younger years. I realize that evil exists and some are cut too deep and are in a darkness they will never get out of. But for many, I believe there is hope. So please join me in hitting the reset button and beginning a fresh new journey in trying to live a full life with these qualities.
As I wait for the people I need to come into my life to change this blog into what I really want it to be, a place of healing light, of teaching, and sharing, I leave you with this: Yes, life can be full of disappointments, sadness, frustrations, obstacles, compromises, and death, but it is imperative that we find a way to still find joy, happiness, positivity, and fulfillment in it while we are here – alone and together.