I do not even know where to begin in speaking about hate. This past weekends events show me that it is necessary, however, now more than ever. I thought maybe I’d begin by defining the word. But, I think there are a few other words that need defining also. Those words are frustration and anger. Here are the definitions from Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary for all three:
Frustration is “a feeling of anger or annoyance caused by being unable to do something”
Anger is “a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism”
Hate is “an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury or extreme dislike or disgust”.
I am actually glad they used the word intense because it is a great segue into my first thought about hate. Most people say it is the opposite of love, but I am not sure I believe that. Hate is just as an intense, passionate, consuming emotion as is love. A person can express them both within seconds of each other or even possibly at the same time. So how can they be opposites? When I discuss the last of the three words, I will address this in more detail, but for now back to hate.
I would like to think that hate is a choice we can decide NOT to make. You will notice I defined the words frustration and anger in this post because I know we have all experienced both of these. It is how we choose to react when we feel these that either diffuses or heightens the situation. Sometimes diffusing comes with seeing the other side, finding the truth, or well just allowing time. When we do not allow for any of these diffusing tactics to occur, guess what? we get hate. Even when frustration and anger take us to the point of hate though, we can still choose. If the hate is in us, we ourselves can try to find additional ways to diffuse it. If the hate is presented to us we can choose how we want to react. We can react with hate, we can react with love, or we can simply choose to walk away. Whichever we decide, the need to look at ourselves and our part in it is of vital importance right now.
I also believe that hate can be taught and grows and arises out of lack of complete truth, lack of proper education, and/or an allowance of external forces to influence us. But, it is up to us as we grow older to seek the truth, to educate ourselves, and to not allow outer influences to keep us in a place of hate. When we open our minds, we open our hearts, and vice versa.
I was going to use a life experience to exemplify my thoughts on the topic at hand, instead I thought it better to maybe address some things I have said in conversations over a period of time. These are the feelings that have arisen in me over watching not only the incident that just happened, but watching all the incidences that have become violent and peoples’ reactions there to.
First, the best response to hate is not more hate. Second, when the reaction to hate is more hate, then we must be honest in seeing and saying this. We cannot only condemn the instigator, we must also condemn the response. Third, if we are being honest with ourselves then we must recognize the hate coming from us or those being associated with us. As a whole, we cannot continue to say that the violence or hate is one-sided anymore. Forth, honesty and truth are a must and we should try to seek them out. For the truth normally lies somewhere in the middle. Fifth, we should not allow ourselves to be manipulated by what others think or what they show us in edited format. And lastly, if fear causes hate and we are afraid because we do not know, then maybe we should address this and go on a quest for knowledge.
This blog is exactly that for me a quest for knowledge. A place where I can give my point of view, but more importantly a place for me to see others points of view. It is a place for me to learn what I do not know, so that I can lessen my fears, lessen my frustrations, and relieve myself of any hate that I may carry within. And these are just my thoughts in an attempt to approach this vial topic in a non-ugly manner. If I didn’t achieve my goal I apologize and hope you point that out to me. But, I am so willing to view this topic from all your points of view. So please please feel free to comment for I can only learn and grow when you participate. Oh and stay tuned for part 3.
When I read your comment I thought OMG I do some of the same things in trying to widen my view. Instead of hating back I try to first feel my hurt and try to understand why I have allowed someone to hurt me, then I also consider the person doing such and what may have led them to do what they did.. Most of the time I walk away to try to get a clearer view and allow myself space to make changes I feel necessary in myself and allow myself time to heal..
By the time I get to a hateful place I have lost. I’ve become undone. Sometimes it can simmer down on its own. I’v discovered or perhaps developed a skill that has lessened my vulnerability to this state of being. I acknowledge my hurt. And try to widen my view of the experience so as to consider that the source of my pain didn’t mean it so or that it he or she is suffering even if they intending harm. It sometimes takes a bit of work to get there.
My first utterance of hate was at my mother when I was 5 or so. I could see that it hurt her. The second time I tried this she resigned to let me go on hating. It was the beginning of my undoing. I started to hate myself. It is totally tied to love. And hurt. I think I just wanted to be heard. And for my mother to take notice. She had problems of her own. I still struggle with this but I have been working on my compassion and it has helped tremendously.
I can say with certainty that you approached the topic of hate less offensively than most. I am afraid that I don’t generally accomplish the same. When I hate, I tend to be vehement in my descriptions of it.
I don’t hate easily, but I find that it can be a useful emotion. Hate is often what centers my attention, allowing me to focus on the things I find most atrocious about a situation and facilitating a better understanding of the root cause.
In my opinion, where people go wrong is in directing their hatred at other people, when it’s usually the actions (and the system that perpetuates those actions) of those people that we ACTUALLY hate.
As an old (1990’s?) saying goes: Don’t hate the player, hate the game!