Old Wounds..

Several things have occurred recently that have prompted this post. The first, an admittance from someone I knew in my teens. This admittance had me recognizing that I still needed to heal a very old wound. Damage caused of an ignorant act done by teens, to an 8 or 9-year-old, that has taken me forty some odd years to overcome. The second, while coloring the circles of my voting card, I realized this damage had me living a life coloring within the lines, playing by the rules of someone else’s game, and conforming myself to a society of what everyone else thought I should be. And lastly, a discussion about death, that had me realize that time is short and fleeting and that this is my life to live, my life to make the most of, my life to truly follow what I feel necessary and what is in my heart.

As I flow more into the person I was meant to be, follow the path that is truly me, and remember other brief times in my life where I hopped on and off this path, I recognize that I have felt and do feel more moments of feeling alone and like I do not fit in. As I close the old wound, let go, and say goodbye to that damaged 8 or 9-year-old, I recognize now that maybe I feel this way because I was always supposed to lead, whether by example or by holding someone’s hand in the chain and bringing them along for the journey. I am also recognizing the fear that came along with the damage really does not want to let go of me. I guess I am still learning how to kick it back or make it motivate me.

There have been many people and many moments that have helped heal the damage done to that 8 or 9-year-old. However, a few have pushed or pulled me to take great strides in the process. I would be remiss if I did not express my gratitude or wholehearted thankfulness to a few along my journey. Without them, I do not know if I would be where I am today. So, to the first, who saw me and did things with a teen age girl (who was probably still an 8 or 9-year-old at heart) that others would have maybe not done. To the second, who everyday, started the conversation “don’t you know how beautiful you are?” always got the response “no”. Eventually, when said enough the thoughts stick in your mind, even if you do not yet fully believe it. To the third, who began to show me the light, showed me the power of the spirit, showed me philosophy, and put me on the journey of understanding why people sometimes do what they do. And to the one now who is dealing with the final transformation, who puts up with me know matter what, does everything for me, and most importantly has shown me that we are all creatures of wounds created as children. A million thank you’s would never be enough to express how I feel for what you all have done to help heal me – meaning to or not.

There in lies the first truth and discussion that needs to be had. When we say we want to have the hard discussions and make the compromises to fix the ills of society, I am not sure that can be done until we admit the truths to what has damaged us as kids, face that, heal that, and forgive ourselves and those that have caused that. Every day someone new says to me “it is too late for us”. I disagree and continue to have hope and if I am supposed to lead, than so be it. It is my intent to start to have discussions about all kinds of things, and in them a beginning to the healing of us all. Truth is we all need each other to heal each other. For it is our damaged selves and the fear that comes along with them that is causing us to harm each other more, to restrict each other more, and to conform each other more. When really we should be helping each other heal, freeing each other from the confines of societal norms, and raising each other up. I hope you will be willing to take this painful, difficult, journey with me and bring along your friends and by all means add to the discussion if and when you so wish.